Our Children's
Needs - Part 2 Robert Elias Najemy SecurityChildren need
to feel secure. Few feel secure when there are conflicts occurring around them.
Few can relax inwardly when others around them are shouting, accusing, criticizing
and hating each other. To a small child, tension between parents, or between parents
and the child or other children, constitute a deep chasm of insecurity. When
the conflict is between the parents, it is often worse for the child. The child
has not yet learned to feel separate itself from the parents. It feels identification
with both parents. Thus when they are in conflict, it feels that the conflict
is taking place between two parts of its own being. It might even begin hating
itself as a result. Children cannot feel secure if the parents do not feel
secure. If we are constantly worrying and have anxiety about money, health and
the future, then our children will automatically be programmed to feel insecure
about these aspects of life. This insecurity will remain with them and they will
waste large portions of time, energy and thought throughout their life, trying
in vain to find «security» by controlling these external circumstances.
As adults, it is possible that this inner programming that we are not secure may
never be appeased. Thus the most effective way to offer a security base to our
children is not to be found in providing them with a large inheritance but rather
to establish an inner feeling of security within ourselves. If we believe in ourselves
and in our ability to cope with all of life¹s situations, the child will
feel the same. As we feel more secure, we will have less moments of conflict with
others and our home will be in general more peaceful and more supportive for the
child. Unconditional LoveWe all know that a child needs love and
we want to be able to love our children unconditionally; but it is not so easy.
We are human beings with needs, feelings, expectations, attachments, fears and
conditionings which prevent us from being able to accept tour children independently
of their behavior. Having children is an excellent opportunity in life to develop
unconditional love. We are more inclined to forgive, overlook and to continue
loving when we feel that this is our child. What do we mean by unconditional
love? We mean that our feelings of love and acceptance for our children do not
change or fluctuate depending on what they do or say, or what they decide to do
with their lives. It is not necessary to love and accept our children¹s behavior.
We must make a distinction between our children¹s being, soul or consciousness
and their behavior. We can reject a certain behavior, and explain so to them,
without rejecting their being or self. "I love you but I am disturbed by
this particular behavior." Our children need to know that we accept
and love them regardless of what they may do, but also that certain forms of behavior
are not acceptable to us. We should, however, investigate for ourselves why this
behavior is not acceptable. Is it because it will be potentially harmful to the
child, to someone else, or to ourselves? Or is it simply because we are programmed
that it should not be done? Or does the behavior conflict with our expectations
based on our personal needs and dreams for the child? Or are we afraid of what
the others will think about our child and subsequently about us? We must
be very clear about why we are rejecting a certain behavior. Our rejection can
come out of a place of real love and concern for the child, if, in fact, we are
not simply protecting our own interests. As long as a certain behavior does no
real harm to anyone, it is best to allow the child to pursue it. Something within
them, some need is guiding them to explore that kind of activity. They have something
to learn through doing that. This does not mean that there are not moments where
control or even natural or logical consequences may be necessary. But we need
to be sure that the reasons are valid and have to do with real issues of safety
or morality and not because we are disappointed with the their grades or selection
of hobbies, interests or friends. In order to love our children unconditionally,
we will need to start loving ourselves unconditionally. We will have to let go
of all the prerequisites we have put on our own self-love. We will need to love
ourselves even though we are not perfect, even though we make mistakes, even when
others do not love and accept us. The more we free our self-love from the various
prerequisites, the more our love for our children and others will become unconditional.
(Robert Elias Najemy's recently released book "The Psychology of Happiness"
(ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) is now available Click
Here! where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.) Go
to Part 3 of Our Children's Needs Back
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