Can you maintain your calm and communicate effectively with your kids when you are tired, irritated and your stress levels are through the roof? Well, most of us find this very difficult!
How do you show up as the parent you want to be – even when you’re ready to explode?
When you’re in those frustrating moments you need to know there’s way more happening than the defiant child in front of you. Understanding the deeper motivations behind your child not listening to you is critical to eliciting a healthier interaction.
Here’s the deal. You can read all the books and try all the tools, but it’s very difficult to interact effectively and peacefully (consistently) with your children until you clear the underlying issues and dynamics involved in your parent-child relationship.
What makes it so challenging is what’s going on in your head and heart when your child is acting out. This generally ties back into the way you were parented. These patterns and beliefs may be so deep and subconscious that it’s difficult to even know they are there.
You need help to uncover what is triggering you and how to resolve it within yourself so that you can show up effectively and lovingly for your child. Because when you are in the middle of a stressful moment, your neocortex (the reasoning part of your brain) shuts down and you can’t think straight. You’ve probably said things you regret. Maybe you’ve lashed out in anger. You’re not alone.
All those thoughts, feelings and words are coming out even though you know once they do, you can’t take them back. You can see the damage coating every word that comes out of your mouth and it feels awful for everyone. And it greatly undermines the influence you have on your child.
There’s a reason you’re frustrated and upset, and sometimes it has more to do with what’s going on within you than it does with your child. If you can identify the unconscious beliefs that are driving your emotions and behavior, you can recognize them when they come up and choose a different way of being.
Many of us were not allowed to cry or feel our strong feelings. If that was true in your childhood, when your kids are expressing these feelings, it can bring up anxiety in you, and you might want to shut those feelings down.
Or you might have had a parent who was overly controlling about the way you looked or about how clean and tidy the house should be. Whether you are aware of it or not, these deeply seated beliefs and feelings might be driving your interactions with your own kids. In your current life, you might be super messy or a super clean freak, or you might be overly controlling or overly permissive with your kids. Until you take the time to dig into what’s underneath all that, it will show up in your parenting.
Unraveling your triggers and the feelings and beliefs underneath the upsets takes some time and it’s difficult to manage this all on your own. That’s what Valerie does in our coaching program. Valerie is our expert parent coach. She will deeply listen to your frustrations and help get you on track to understand your specific family dynamics, your triggers and your unmet needs so you’re able to show up for yourself first, and then for your children as the loving, caring parent you’ve always wanted to be.
If you need help with any of this Schedule a free call with Valerie.
In the meantime, I’ll share a little gem. It’s called, “The Pause.”
When you feel triggered, just stop for a moment. Pause. This pause is a moment where you can choose either to take a deep breath and think for a second about how you can communicate in a constructive loving way, or you can choose to say something reactive and shaming. HUGE.
This pause holds tremendous power for you as a parent. It does take practice, but if you keep at it that pause will begin to show up without effort. When you begin to recognize your triggers and your underlying beliefs and feelings, and you are able to pause consistently, it will just start showing up for you automatically. It’s a space that will make a powerful and positive difference in your lives.
Read all of the posts in this series . . .
Learn more about Authoritative and Permissive Parenting
Learn more about Your Child’s Motivations and Reasons Behind Their Behavior
Learn more about Why Do Your Kids Trigger You?